Tenchi's Raising Kain
by Graffito Tag
Summary: Tenchi's non wussy split personallity takes over, and all hell breaks loose...uh...a large amount of hell anyways. Read and review. Top quality humor, as usual.


TENCHI'S RAISING KAIN  
  
Tenchi wakes up, only to find himself covered in Ryoko, as usual.  
  
RYOKO-"Hey, Tenchi! Why dont we have some fun while no one is around? We can play...mah jhong..."  
  
TENCHI-"Ryoko, go away! Im not interested in your filthy ideas!" He tosses Ryoko to the floor, which she fades through.   
  
TENCHI-"You'd think I could get one peaceful morning!" Tenchi angrilly got dressed and went downstairs, where everyone else was already awake and making fun of him.  
  
YOSHO-"...and then he denied he was gay!"  
  
NOBOYUKI-"No way!"  
  
AYEKA-"Quiet! He's here! Good morning Tenchi!"  
  
SASAMI-looking lustfully into his eyes-"Good morning...Tenchi..."  
  
TENCHI-"Uh, hi everyone...Sasami, please get off of my leg."  
  
SASAMI-"Oh, okay..."  
  
NOBOYUKI-"So Tenchi, any plans for today? Gonna travel across time and space? Blow up some planets? Score?"  
  
TENCHI-"Something like that. Amagasaki and I were going to the Star Trek convention."  
  
NOBOYUKI-"Maybe you didn't hear me say 'score'?"  
  
TENCHI-giggly-"No, I heard you." Everyone looks at him, obviously troubled.  
  
RYOKO-"Hey Tenchi, want to watch me and Ayeka argue?"  
  
AYEKA-"Of course he doesn't YOU HARLOT!"  
  
RYOKO-"GGRRRRR!"  
  
TENCHI-"Oh man! It's always the same!" Tenchi decides to skip breakfast, and skip straight to the bath part of the episo..uh..day. He walks into the bathroom, and prepares to relax.  
  
MIHOSHI-"HI TENCHI!"  
  
KIYONE-"......huh? Oh, Tenchi...hmm"  
  
TENCHI-"What are you two doing in MY bathroom?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"I accidentally broke the other two bath houses." Tenchi looks to Kiyone.  
  
KIYONE-"It's true."  
  
TENCHI-"Thats just great..."  
  
MIHOSHI-"Whats wrong? Oh, I bet you need a pink fluffy towel!"  
  
TENCHI-"That would be just super...uh...I mean...I'd better go." Tenchi decides it would be better to just leave the house entirely, before Washu starts bothering him for a sample (he didn't want her to touch his pee pee). He takes a bus into the city, then realizes he has no idea where he's going.  
  
TENCHI-looking around-"Hey, a kareoke bar! Mihoshi says these places are a blast!" He walks into the dimly lit lounge, where some drunk loser was singing a song no one ever heard of on stage.  
  
TENCHI-"Wow! This place is great!" He looks at his plastic Spider man watch. "Hmmm, I can stay here for ...45 minutes. Then I can go to the arcade and meet Amagasaki." A waitress approaches him.  
  
WAITRESS-"Sir, there's a two drink minimum. Please order, or you will have to leave."  
  
TENCHI-"Wow, straight to the point huh? Well, I guess you can just get me a uh...Shirly Temple."  
  
WAITRESS-"...Sir, we dont serve gay drinks here. Please order a real drink, or get the hell out."  
  
TENCHI-"Fine! Just get me a glass of rice wine."   
  
5 minutes later, Tenchi's drink finally arives, and he quickly gulps it down, being a retard and all.  
  
TENCHI-"OOohhh...I feel funny..."  
  
At this point, I think a complex psychological explanation is in order. Within Tenchi's brain, a war is going on between a large force of happy little brain fairies and a much smaller force of angry personallity elves. The fairies had controlled Tenchi for his whole life, but when Tenchi took that drink, the personallity elves had the chance they needed.  
  
TENCHI-"What's goin on..I feel....Hey...HEY! I feel great!" Tenchi stood up and walked toward the door, where he is stopped by a bouncer.  
  
BOUNCER-"Sir, I noticed you didn't pay for that drink."  
  
TENCHI-"Fuck off, dickhead!" Tenchi kicks him in the nuts.  
  
BOUNCER-"Uhhggg!" he pulls a gun "You'll be sorry you did that, asshole!" But Tenchi draws upon his Jurai powers and causes the bouncer some severe discomfort.  
  
WAITRESS-"Holy shit! His ass just exploded! Hey you, stop!" But Tenchi was already running out the door, and was quickly turning the corner.  
  
TENCHI-"Hahaha! That was fun." Tenchi looks at himself "Aw shit! I look like a pussy. Hmmmm..." Tenchi walks into a clothing store. He takes his time and walks around a little while.  
  
CLERK CHICK-"Hello. Can I help you?"  
  
TENCHI-"Uh..yeah, I just joined a biker gang, and I want to look my best."  
  
CLERK-"We have just the thing."  
  
LATER  
  
CLERK-"Alright..leather jacket, sunglasses, overpriced baggy jeans...comes to a total of...$300."  
  
TENCHI-"Oh, I wasn't going to BUY anything..."  
  
CLERK-"What? Dont jerk me around, buddy!"  
  
TENCHI-"Hey, come here." he leans over the counter. "Shh...listen..." He leans closer. "The thing is..." He grabs the clerk and starts choking her.  
  
CLERK-"...gaakk..." She passes out. Tenchi turns around, and finds that the other customers had already ran away to tell the police.  
  
TENCHI-"..huh...I think I'm gonna go get laid..." Tenchi struts out the door.  
  
AMAGASAKI-"Tenchi! There you are!" He runs up to Tenchi and hugs him.  
  
TENCHI-"Aah! Hey, get off me, fatass!"  
  
AMAGASAKI-"Wha??"  
  
TENCHI-pushing him away-"You heard me. Get lost before I kick your funky lookin head in."  
  
AMAGASAKI-crying-"Tenchi? Waaaahh!" He runs away.  
  
TENCHI-"Ah..now I can get back to findin some pussy..." Tenchi steals a car, and drives back to his house, where Ayeka was waiting to greet him.  
  
AYEKA-"Oh Tenchi! We were all so worried about you!"  
  
TENCHI-"Hey...you look...hot."  
  
AYEKA-eyes sparkling-"Tenchi? Does this mean what I think it does?"  
  
TENCHI-"Only if you want a piece of little Tenchi."  
  
AYEKA-"Wh..what?"  
  
TENCHI-"How 'bout you and me go into those woods over there, and you pitch my tent?"  
  
AYEKA-"Tenchi..this...this is sexual harassment, and I dont have to like it!"  
  
TENCHI-"Take off them robes...and le's get jiggly with 'em."  
  
AYEKA-"Oh Tenchi!" She starts undoing her sash and pulling off her clothes.  
  
10 minutes later  
  
AYEKA-"Hold on, Tenchi..I'm almost done...just a few more padlocks to go."  
  
TENCHI-"..."  
  
10 minutes later  
  
TENCHI-"Fuck this!" he walks into the house.  
  
AYEKA-"Tenchi, wait! Once I undo these last bolts, you can make love to me!"  
  
  
INSIDE  
  
NOBOYUKI-"Hey! I thought you would be at the convention by now."  
  
TENCHI-"What's wrong old man? Afraid you and Gramps won't get enough 'alone' time?"  
  
NOBOYUKI-"What are you implying?"-thinking-'How did he find out?'  
  
TENCHI-"Oh..nothing..heh heh." he walks into the bathroom again.  
  
RYOKO-"Oh! You seem to have caught me naked, Tenchi. How bout that?"   
  
*BOIOIOIOIOING*  
  
RYOKO-"What was that?"  
  
TENCHI-"You'll find out in just a minute..."  
  
  
LATER  
  
  
RYOKO-"Tenchi, I don't think I could swallow much more."  
  
TENCHI-"Shit, thats alright. Im pretty much dry anyway."  
  
RYOKO-"Why don't you stay here. We can talk."  
  
TENCHI-"I'm not gonna dignify that with a response." he walks out of the bathroom and finds Ayeka talking to Noboyuki.  
  
AYEKA-"Dont you think Tenchi has been acting a little...odd?"  
  
NOBOYUKI-"You know, I think you may be right!"  
  
TENCHI-thinking-'Shit! I better be more careful, they might start suspecting something...'   
  
TENCHI-"Hi Ayeka!"  
  
AYEKA-"Tenchi! How are you? You were in there a long time, I was worried."  
  
TENCHI-"Oh..uh..I'm fine. Say, why dont we all go watch some lesbian porno?"  
  
AYEKA-"What?"  
  
NOBOYUKI-"Now you're talkin!"  
  
TENCHI-"AAH! I mean, lets watch some uh...French romance movies?"  
  
AYEKA-"Wow Tenchi! Why didn't you say so earlier? I love those!"  
  
  
LATER STILL  
  
  
TENCHI-thinking-'Dammit, I'm gonna kill myself...'  
  
AYEKA-"Look Tenchi! This is the part where JohnPaul smacks Sherrie!" *smack* "Oh, such emotion!"  
  
TENCHI-"Uh, Ayeka...I have to uh...go to the bathroom." Tenchi runs as fast as he can out the front door.  
  
AYEKA-"Okay...hurry back Tenchi....Tenchi?"  
  
TENCHI-"huff huff huff...I..I think I'm safe...for now..."  
  
KIYONE-"Tenchi! There you are! Have you seen Mihoshi?"  
  
TENCHI-"Uh...I think she's umm....dead."  
  
KIYONE-"Dead?"  
  
TENCHI-"Yep...she drowned...in....the toilet..."  
  
KIYONE-"I..I never told her how I really felt...."  
  
TENCHI-"Aww..poor Kiyone...come here..." Kiyone falls into Tenchi's arms crying.   
  
TENCHI-thinking-'Im gonna get some tonight!'  
  
  
THE NEXT MORNING  
  
  
RYOKO-"Tenchi! Wake up!"  
  
TENCHI-"Huh..oh..Well..look at those..."  
  
KIYONE-"Tenchi? Who is it?"  
  
RYOKO-"Wow, Tenchi...you've been busy I see."  
  
TENCHI-"Damn right! Who wants threesome?"  
  
RYOKO AND KIYONE-"I do!" They get it on a few times, then Tenchi decides to watch them go at it for a while, then gets some breakfast.  
  
AYEKA-"Good morning, lord Tenchi."  
  
TENCHI-"Whats with this 'lord Tenchi' shi..I mean...good morning."  
  
SASAMI-"Tenchi..what were those sounds I heard last night?"  
  
TENCHI-"Oh, that was just some....shut the fuck up."  
  
SASAMI-"....?"  
  
TENCHI-"Good. Alright, I'm sick of this shit! EVERYONE! IN HERE NOW!"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Tenchi? What's wrong with you?"  
  
KIYONE-walking downstairs-"Whats goin...MIHOSHI?? TENCHI! YOU SAID SHE WAS DEAD!"  
  
TENCHI-"Dont make me take a foot to your ass alright? Everyone just shut up and listen." Tenchi spells out to them how its gonna be from now on.  
  
SOME TIME LATER  
  
Tenchi's sitting on his couch with Ryoko on his lap watchin tv.  
  
TENCHI-"Mihoshi...come over here..." Mihoshi (in a french maid uniform) walks over to Tenchi.  
  
MIHOSHI-"Yes, Lovemaster T?"  
  
TENCHI-"Beer me!" She heads for the kitchen.  
  
NOBOYUKI-"Hey son! Lookin good!"  
  
TENCHI-"What are you doin? Get back to work. This satellite tv don't pay for itself."  
  
NOBOYUKI-"Yes sir!"  
  
TENCHI-"AAahhhh...Life is good." Suddenly, the house is riddled with bullets, and Tenchi narrowly escapes. Noboyuki however isnt so lucky.  
  
TENCHI-"Dammit! Ryoko! You alright?"  
  
RYOKO-"Im fine, Lovemaster!" Washu, Kiyone, Mihoshi, Ayeka, and the rest rush into the room.  
  
TENCHI-"Who the fuck?"   
  
NOBOYUKI-"Tenchi! I'm bleeding out my ass, and it's non dick related!"  
  
TENCHI-"Quiet! I'll get to the bottom of this!" Tenchi loads the bazooka that Washu built him, and steps carefully outside.  
  
AMAGASAKI-"Tenchi! I'll get you!" He fires some more rounds at Tenchi's house.  
  
TENCHI-"HOLY SHIT!"  
  
MEANWHILE, IN TENCHI'S BRAIN  
  
  
FAIRY GENERAL-"We've got them on the run! Lets go!"  
  
  
AND, OUTSIDE  
  
  
TENCHI-"Guh...whats goin on? Hey, Amagasaki! How's it...." *FWOOMMP*  
  
RYOKO-"Tenchi! NOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
  
  
AND WHATS THE MORAL OF THE STORY? SIMPLE. DONT WASTE HOT CHICKS, BECAUSE A FAT HOMO MIGHT SHOOT YOU IN THE HEAD. THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT. THANK YOU.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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